13 is an UNLUCKY NUMBER. Therefore 2013 will be an UNLUCKY YEAR. You MUST follow these instructions to ensure a safe year.
- Climb any ladders. You will fall off.
- Go abroad. Either your plane will crash or you will contract malaria.
- Go outside in the rain. You will be struck by lightning.
- Swim. You will be stung by a jellyfish.
- Buy a new mobile phone. It will overheat and burn your ear off.
- Go fishing. You will accidentally catch a shark and it will eat you.
- Buy a dog. It will eat you.
- Get roped into a duel. You will lose.
- Go to Work / School / College / University. An interactive smart-board will malfunction and show your parents having sex.
- Attempt suicide. You will succeed but change your mind seconds before death.
- Try to be clever. You will be an idiot.
- Fart. There will be a fire nearby and you will combust.
- Do any exams. You will be struggling with a question and slip and your pen will go up your nose and pierce your brain.
- Look forward to any films. They will disappoint.
- Listen to any music. The speakers will malfunction and play the Eastenders theme tune. This will become engrained in your memory so every time you close your eyes, you will see and hear the Eastenders title sequence. After a few weeks you will die of Easendersitis-induced sleep deprivation.
- Not do the above.