The Doctor is sitting at his desk. There is a knock at the door
Doctor: Come in.
Martin enters sheepishly.
Martin: Hello.
Doctor: Hello. Please sit down. What seems to be the problem?
Martin: Erm. Well, it started last week. I watched Eastenders for the first time in my life.
Doctor: Right.
Martin: But ever since I watched it, I’ve had trouble sleeping.
Doctor: I see. What happens when you try to sleep?
Martin: Well, every time I close my eyes, I hear the Eastenders theme tune.
Doctor: I see. Including the opening drum beats?
Martin: Yes. Sometimes even when I blink, I hear the first drum beat.
Doctor: Right. And are there any other symptoms?
Martin: Yes. I don’t just hear the music. I can see the title-sequence too.
Doctor: Is it the original or the post-2000 version featuring the Millennium Dome?
Martin: Erm, I think the Dome is there, yes.
Doctor: I see. Have you kept your eyes closed long enough to see what happens after the title sequence?
Martin: Yes.
Doctor: And?
Martin: The episode begins.
Doctor: Is it a particular episode?
Martin: No, it’s different every time. Last night I watched Dirty Den present Angie with the divorce papers.
Doctor: “Happy Christmas, Angie”
Martin: That’s the one.
Doctor: Well it seems to me that you are suffering from an acute case of Eastendersitis.
Martin: Ah. What could have caused it?
Doctor: Well, you say the symptoms began after you watched Eastenders for the first time?
Martin: That’s right.
Doctor: Think back to the first time you ever drank alcohol. I imagine you got rather drunk, because your body wasn’t used it?
Martin: Yes, I was sick everywhere.
Doctor: Well something similar has happened here. You brain was not used to Eastenders, hence the adverse reaction. Don’t worry, Eastendersitis is nothing uncommon.
Martin: Oh, I’ve never heard of it before.
Doctor: That’s because the BBC placed a super-injunction on it in 1993.
Martin: Ah. So what should I do now?
Doctor: I’m going to put you on a dose of Coronation Street for a few days. One episode at a time, twice a day. The Eastendersitis should start to fade after a few episodes.
Martin: I see. Should I watch specific episodes?
Doctor: Anything should suffice, although some patients have reported that episodes involving Kevin Webster punching someone are particularly effective. Here’s your prescription. Take it to HMV and they’ll give you the DVDs.
Martin: Thanks very much!
Doctor: No problem. Come back in a week if the symptoms haven’t died down. Oh and one more thing. Avoid watching Hollyoaks whilst under the influence of Coronation Street. It could worsen the Eastendersitis.
Martin: Ok, I’ll try to avoid it. Goodbye.
Martin leaves the Doctor’s office. The Doctor begins to whistle the Eastenders theme tune as he awaits his next patient
